For some odd reason, I don’t remember much of my childhood. The things I remember most and most vividly are the sad times that hurt me. I’ve read that supposedly because of the pain, it’s the bad times and not the good times that you remember most fondly. Seems to be right. I was a quiet child growing up. Around about the age of 7 I was told that a man I did not know was my father. Sad and confused, I told my mom, “I don’t want him to be my daddy.” The only man I knew as daddy was William DeMarr. And a great father was and is he still. But I had no other choice but to see this man I knew nothing of, my biological father, Lawrence. Both me and my baby sister April were court ordered to see him.
Visiting and seeing a family I was not familiar with was hard. Honestly and unfortunately, I just never took to them as my own. And it was like that the whole way through. My biological father manipulated situations to try and hurt my mother, using my baby sister and I as the bait in order to do so. There wasn’t a genuine attempt at a relationship there, it was forced and for selfish gain. Just as was some of the things my biological father chose to do to me. I used to say that’s another story too deep for words, but it’s still a part of my testimony, so, I share. My biological father molested me during my elementary school years. Thankfully, it wasn’t to the extent like some of these horrible stories that you hear, but it happened nonetheless. And when it did, I kept silent. Fear had me. As a young child, I was afraid to speak out. I felt defenseless, because how does a young innocent child speak on this, especially when I had people on his side of the family who would manipulate the situation and bring more pain to my mother. So, I stayed quiet, and when I felt that I was old enough, around the age of 14, I decided enough was enough. I decided I was no longer going to see him. When I got older, I started voicing what I went through. Though some don’t understand, I forgave him nonetheless. I haven’t spoken to him since I refused to visit him at 14 years old, but I forgave him in my heart. Not for his sake, but for myself so I can be at peace within myself, and at peace with the Lord.
However, still until this day, I regret leaving my baby sister April, leaving her to visit our biological father alone, in fear that he would do the same to her. If only I had known better I would’ve kept her from going too.
As I grew into a teenager, and one who got picked on, I decided enough was enough with that as well. I was tired, so I started flipping out on people. Not on just anyone, just those who tried to bully me, or others if I witnessed it. I started drinking, got involved with my “first love”, lost my virginity at the age of 17, and started smoking weed and just being, unfortunately, a typical rebellious teen. I had no direction, just wanted to party.
The party life eventually got old. Though I still partook in drinking and smoking weed, the desire started tapering off. After 6 1/2 years in, my relationship with my first love came to an end as well, right after I went through a difficult abortion. The emotions from that and my toxic relationship took too much of a toll on me. After that, it seems a year at a time I ended up with someone new, giving myself to 3 other men before it was all said and done. One situation would be for about a year. Not that they lasted that long, but my troubled emotions over it did. Then, after a year, the next would come along. Had a man a year for 6 years, with a year break in between each one.
During that process of failing to know my worth with each of those guys, I loved to show off my physical “attributes”. I didn’t value or respect myself. I didn’t know what self-love was. Hence why I settled for less. But even in the midst of it all, I continuously felt the Lord tugging on my heart, something He had done for awhile. I wasn’t quite aware of it the way that I am now that I’ve grown, but I felt it nonetheless. People would come in and through my life, planting those seeds, sharing God’s amazing love. However, I did not yet believe. It was just a story to me. It felt good to hear, but I still had yet to allow it to sink into my heart and take root. So, during the time, I still didn’t surrender to God. I was one of those people who would say, “God knows my heart.” And truth be told, He did. He knew it was sinful and messy as ever. But I guess that was my way of comforting myself. Nonetheless, its effects were artificial, therefore, was short-lived.
With the 4th guy, I felt the Lord tugging on me the most (Not that this situation was any worse than the rest, the Lord was just relentless with the pursuit of my heart. He knew I heard Him knocking). I knew that what we were doing, the drinking and fornication, was wrong and I felt the conviction. Deep down, I also knew that if I had stopped having sex with him, he’d get it from someone else. And, he did, before we even stopped. I found out he was creeping with his coworker behind my back, and it hurt me to the core. Though I didn’t realize it at the time, it was truly a blessing in disguise, because the good Lord knew I needed for something so hurtful and dramatic to happen to make me walk away. And praisefully, I did.
After that, I was so fed up with my way of life. I was so depleted and done with living for myself and this world, in which promised me nothing but emptiness. So, I vowed to God I would never fornicate again. I was tired of soultying, feeling unworthy, and depleted. I was tired of feeling what seemed to be my life being sucked right out of me. I was exhausted in every aspect; mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So, I promised God I’d save myself for marriage, and commit my life to Him. And again, temptation came, and came hard with yet another man, but this time it did not win. I stood my ground, and still until this day, almost 5 years later (May 2018), I stand strong. I’ve completely given my life to Jesus Christ and accepted Him as my Lord and Savior. There’s been a complete shift and He has changed me from the inside out. Instead of being on fire for the world, I’m now on fire for God. It’s not easy. Trials and tribulations still come, but because of my stance in Jesus Christ, and because I know who I am in and through Him, they don’t have the opportunity of taking me out.
You see, when you give your all to Jesus, truly give your all, you find comfort, peace, joy, and contentment like nothing else. Love insurmountable, unwavering, and unconditional. He stands in the gap, even when you stumble. He is our vindicator, our rock, our redeemer, our Savior. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, He can redeem you. Just as He saved me, He can save you too, no matter what walk of life you come from. All the Lord is asking for is repentance, complete submission, and obedience – a renewed mind in Christ Jesus.
So, today, decide that you’re no longer going to let the devil get a foothold in your life. Leave behind the world and its emptiness and unfulfillable voids. It’s not worth your salvation most importantly, but also your joy and your peace. No person, place, or thing could ever give you what Jesus Christ can. So, open up your heart to Him. Let Him in. Accept Him into your life as Lord and Savior, today. Jesus saves! ❤️