For some odd reason, I don’t remember much of my childhood. The things I remember most and most vividly are the sad times that hurt me. I’ve read that supposedly because of the pain, it’s the bad times and not the good times that you remember most fondly. Seems to be right. I was a quiet child growing up. Around about the age of 7 I was told that a man I did not know was my father. Sad and confused, I told my mom, “I don’t want him to be my daddy.” The only man I knew as daddy was William DeMarr. And a great father was and is he still. But I had no other choice but to see this man I knew nothing of, my biological father, Lawrence. Both me and my baby sister April were court ordered to see him.
Visiting and seeing a family I was not familiar with was hard. Honestly and unfortunately, I just never took to them as my own. And it was like that the whole way through. My biological father manipulated situations to try and hurt my mother, using my baby sister and I as the bait in order to do so. There wasn’t a genuine attempt at a relationship there, it was forced and for selfish gain. Just as was some of the things my biological father chose to do to me. But that’s another story too deep for words and has been forgiven for. Needless to say, when I felt that I was old enough, around the age of 14, I decided enough was enough. I decided I was no longer going to see him.
Still to this day I regret leaving my baby sister April, leaving her to visit our biological father alone. If only I had known better I would’ve kept her from going too.
As a teenager, and one who got picked on, I decided enough was enough with that as well. I started flipping out on people. Not on just anyone, just those who tried to bully me, or others if I witnessed it. I started drinking, got involved with my “first love”, lost my virginity at the age of 17, and started smoking weed and just being, unfortunately, a typical rebellious teen. I had no direction, just wanted to party.
The party life eventually got old. Though I still partook in drinking and smoking weed, the desire started tapering off. After 6 1/2 years in, my relationship with my first love came to an end as well, right after I went through a difficult abortion. The emotions from that and my toxic relationship took too much of a toll on me. After that, it seems a year at a time I ended up with someone new, giving myself to 3 other men before it was all said and done. One situation would be for about a year. Not that they lasted that long, but my troubled emotions over it did. Then, after a year, the next would come along. Had a man a year for 6 years, with a year break in between.
During that process of failing to know my worth with each of those guys, I loved to show off my physical “attributes”. I didn’t value or respect myself. I didn’t know what self-love was. Hence why I settled for less. But even in the midst of it all, I continuously felt the Lord tugging on my heart. I wasn’t quite aware of it the way that I am now that I’ve evolved, but I felt it nonetheless. Yet, I still didn’t surrender to God. I was one of those people who would say, “God knows my heart.” And truth be told, He did. He knew it was sinful and messy as ever.
With the 4th guy, I felt the Lord tugging on me the most (Not that this situation was any worse than the rest, the Lord was just relentless with the pursuit of my heart. He knew I heard Him knocking). I knew that what we were doing, the drinking and fornication, was wrong and I felt the conviction. I too, knew that if I had stopped having sex with him, he’d get it from someone else. And actually, he did, before we stopped. I found out he was creeping with his coworker behind my back. Though I didn’t realize it at the moment, it was truly a blessing in disguise, because the Lord knew I needed for something so hurtful and dramatic to happen to make me walk away. And praisefully, I did.
After that, I vowed to God I would never fornicate again. I was tired of soultying, feeling unworthy, and depleted. I was tired of feeling what seemed to be my life being sucked out of me. I was exhausted in every aspect; mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So, I promised God I’d save myself for marriage, and commit my life to Him. And again, temptation came, and came hard with yet another man, but this time it did not win. I stood my ground, and still to this day, 3 years later, I stand strong. I’ve completely given my life to Christ. There’s been a shift and He has changed me from the inside out. Instead of being on fire for the world, I’m now on fire for God. Trials and tribulations still come, but because of my stance in Christ, they don’t have the opportunity of taking me out.
You see, when you give your all to Jesus, truly give your all, you find comfort, peace, joy, and contentment like nothing else. Love insurmountable, unwavering, and unconditional. He stands in the gap, even when you stumble. He is our vindicator, our rock, our redeemer, our Savior. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done, He can redeem you. Just as He saved me, He can save you too no matter what walk of life you come from. All the Lord is asking for is repentance, complete submission, and obedience – a renewed mind in Christ Jesus.
So, today, decide that you’re no longer going to let the devil get a foothold in your life. Leave behind the world and its emptiness and unfulfillable voids. It’s not worth your salvation most importantly, but also your joy and your peace. No person, place, or thing could ever give you what Jesus can. So, open up your heart to Him. Let Him in. Accept Him into your life, today. Jesus saves.❤️