Ever felt like you were robbed of your childhood, because your memory failed to retain much of anything good? I do. Talks with one of my sisters has reminded me on several occasions of random good times we had with our dad when we were younger. She’ll say, “You remember when.. ?” And I’ll go to my memory bank, yet won’t remember much of anything. If at all, it’s very faint. You may think, “Why don’t you remember?” I’ve questioned that myself, but from what I’ve gathered, through research, our minds tend to remember most of the negative things, simply because of the pain it brought us. Therefore, robbing us of memories of the good times, things we were fond of. Ah, seems pain is so much more profound and impactful. I can definitely say I agree. The “ouch” situations appear to triumph the good, not because the good wasn’t as great, but because the bad was just that – bad, and it hurt just the same.
For me, the bad I speak of was the drama and sadness I went through with my biological father. I’ve briefly touched on this before in a previous post, but this is more in depth. At a young age, in my elementary school years, I was told that who I thought was my biological dad, wasn’t, and that some man in whom I did not know, was. My baby sister and I were then court ordered to see him every other weekend during the school year, and every other week during the summer. It was tough! We were having to take in a whole new family we did not know. And some didn’t make it easy. We met an uncle who would try to force us into calling our biological dad, “dad”, using fear. Then, we had our biological dad using manipulation to try and get under the skin of our mother. Anything to stir up drama. Even had to endure a moment of molestation. Not one to the extreme like a lot of unfortunate situations you hear about, but it happened nonetheless (and this is my first time speaking about it publicly). You may think, “Gosh, you say it like it’s nothing.” Well, because now, it is. I’ve moved on.
We endured a lot of sadness and instability as children, my baby sister and I, due to this very difficult situation. Like really, how do you try to force us to call someone dad when we’ve grown up knowing someone else who rightfully earned and held that title?! And then to learn that he did all of what he did throughout the years just to “get back” at my mother.. Wow! Explains why my memories of my childhood were of barely anything good, and instead, all the bad. It’s all a testimony nonetheless.
While I may not retain all the beautiful and sweet moments as a child within my mind, I’ve grown so much from it all. Through the pain, God birthed in me something good. At an early age, I learned to endure. It was such an intense lesson at an early age, but it trickled its way on down throughout my life, helping me in the long-run. And I’m thankful. Some people go through so much in life from having to endure such traumatic things as a child. Many times, it ends up affecting their adulthood. I’m just thankful that my situation wasn’t as bad as it could have been, because Lord knows it could have been much worse.
Just to think, God’s hands have been on me for so much longer than I had realized. From inside of my momma’s womb, to here right now as a 30 year young woman. I could have allowed what I went through to define me, and I could have lived bitter and hateful. But all glory to God, ALL glory to God, I overcame it. He helped see me through. He helped me let go of the pain and negative feelings towards my biological father. He helped me forgive, though forgiveness was never even sought after. There I was a diamond under pressure, formulating into the woman God has created me to be. And still til this day, I’m being finely cut and shaped.
This just goes to show, God CAN take you from the ugly of life and make it so beautiful. You do NOT have to be a product of your environment. You do not have to cling to your past and let it determine your future. You do not have to carry it forward. You can change your life through Jesus Christ. You can renew your mind and perception of what you went through, and allow it to strength you.
Know that despite what you have gone through as a child, you still have right here and now. You have your present and your future, and brand new memories to create. You have the ability to choose better and to allow God to give you just that. You have the option of removing the dead weight and choosing to enjoy your life instead. You have the option of letting go, giving it to God, trusting Him, right here, right now, today, and every single day for the rest of your life. Choose it.✨